Tonight, in honor of Ryan Freel, I'm writing this drunk off my ass. Well, having had a couple beers, at least, which would be enough to get him drunk off his ass. No, really; I've seen it myself, in person. I was at Applebee's that night when the WLW people had him on.

It was the twilight zone of the workday afternoon, and I needed to check out some Reds news to break me out of the trance I was quietly slipping in to. First, I went to cincinnatireds.com where I saw a new story about Dunn. Easy.

I read through the story, and when I came to the tiny subhead, buried under all that text, my jaw dropped: Freel arrested for DUI. A moment of numbness was followed by a sudden sinking feeling. I hadn't been so shocked and horrified since the time in 2003 when Sean Casey jumped into the brawl with Adam Dunn and the Phillies. In that case, though, Casey managed to vidicate himself in my mind when he explained that he was coming to the aid of someone who was being held down by one person and punched in the head by another. I've been trying all afternoon to come up with a way that Freel can vidicate himself in my mind, but I have yet to find a way that driving drunk is honorable or going to save the life of a puppy or something.

But still, just as happened with the aforementioned brawl, my shock and horror quickly turned to fascination and humor, and soon I was searching for as much news as I could and laughing myself silly. The best part was the actual police report. If you have been out to the WCPO ABC 9 website to read the PDF, I highly recommend it. The description of the alphabet test had me in stitches.

Time heals all wounds, and I'm sure ol' Freel's pride will be back to healthy form when he's stolen 25 bases before the All Star break. In the mean time, let us raise our Zimas and say a toast to the little guy who is far too much of a lightweight to have a flask of whiskey in his car:

Here's to you, Ryan Freel
Whether it was from celebrating your team's win or lamenting your own lack of involvement in it
You've certainly made a name for yourself, one way or another.