I just now finished watching Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy for the first time, and I laughed my ass off. If you have not seen this movie, I suggest that you go find it right away. Not only did it leave me smiling at the random goofiness of it all, but it also left me with an inexplicably positive feeling about Adam Dunn.

It's a good thing that I don't make live posts during games, because the strings of expletives I'm liable to spew, especially when doofus umpires make bad calls again, would shock and horrify. When it comes to potty mouth, I do not exactly put the “lady” in “lady blogger.”

But since it all came out in the wash of a win, I'm willing to skip the aneurysm over the horrible call that resulted in Adam Dunn being called out for tagging up at third too early (as well as the secondary-but-just-as-infuriating refusal of the television announcers to come out and directly say that the ump was wrong, even though we could all see it in living color over and over again in the replays) and instead take solace in knowing that the scads of bad calls for the Reds so far this season are all adding up in their favor, baseball-karma-wise.

That was a long sentence. I need a moment to regroup. OK, better now. Let's hit the high points:

• Paul Wilson spared himself the need for martyrdom by showing a lights-out side of himself that we aren't used to seeing. Next thing you know, he'll be smiling, and then what? All Hell could break loose!
• Ryan Freel and Wily Mo Peña started in the outfield and Dunn started at first, which led to a much more natural and effective line-up, in my opinion. I understand that every single person in the greater Cincinnati area wants to bathe themselves in the gentle pool of light that constantly surrounds Sean Casey, but maybe they could do it in the dugout for the next few games while Dunner takes over at first to make some room in the outfield?
• Peña and, of all people, Rich Aurilia were responsible for all of the Reds runs, with three RBI apiece on two homeruns apiece. Aurilia's sudden burst of productivity came after shaving his goatee, hence the title of this post.

It's nice for a lady to retire with no need for expletives. Let's hope we can keep it that way.

At our house, we watch as many games as possible on Fox Sports Ohio, where we are treated to the wit and wisdom of George Grande and the man he describes every night as “The Crappy Lefty,” Chris Welch. Actually, he's probably saying “Crafty,” but I challenge you to hear an F and a T in his pronunciation. I wish he were saying “crappy,” because Welch sort of was, and I would definitely enjoy that sort of ribbing througout their broadcast. However, since George isn't even willing to say the word “Damn” in “Best Damn Sports Show Period,” I don't think that's likely to happen soon.

Nevertheless, the two provide us limitless opportunities to make fun of them and the game. In fact, our running “conversation” with George and Chris is really what makes watching losses like tonight's bearable.

For example, after Normar Garciaparra's Felipe-Lopez-like throw to first base in the bottom of the fourth that allowed Rich Aurilia to get on base, this conversation ensued.
George Grande: Nomar always has been an unconventional thrower: side-arm, underhand…
Jon: …granny-style.

Or take, for instance, this exchange I shared with Welch as he described Mark Prior's pitching style.
Chris Welch: There are two parts to Prior's game. There are the strikeouts, but there is also…
Red Hot: …the delicate pressed-flower collection.

Here's a particularly corny one later in the game, as I was getting desperate for any kind of humor at all as Joe Randa stepped up to the plate:
George Grande: Randa steps in at .333
Red Hot: Gosh, he hasn't picked up that much weight.

And finally, my favorite of the night.
George Grande: I don't know about you, but I'm not a big fan of these two-game series.
Chris Welch: I don't know who is a fan of them.
Red Hot: I heard your mama likes two at a time.

In that last one, of course, I'm referring to asprin. I would never say anything disrespectful of George Grande's mother, who, he announced during a game just the other day, just turned 99 years young. Damn!

If you thought Austin Kearns' hair was fabulous when he showed up to spring training, or if you swooned over Wily Mo Peña's hair during his curtain call after his 498' homerun on Sunday, then you'll be excited to know that soon you or the man in your life can be using the same hair products as these coifed beauties.

“When I saw Austin's gorgeous hair, I just had to share his secret with all my clients,” said Mario Meschier, owner of the famous Escargot Salon in Cincinnati. “Later, I met Wily, and he was just as gorgeous in a completely different way. I had to have his secrets too.”

And what are their secrets? When asked to describe his recipe for fantastic locks, Kearns said with a coy shrug, “I wash it.” Asked to describe his lovely mane, Peña said, “My hair isn't six inches, but it is four, so it is close. So I'll have to let it grow two more inches to six.”

The product line, called Out of Right Field, will be Proctor & Gamble's first foray into the growing market of men's health and beauty products and is expected to hit shelves May 1.

There are lots of valid ways to enjoy a baseball game. It seems like the current trend is toward the statistical approach to the game, where every person, park, play, and match-up is an equation to be solved; an element to be added to the set. While I agree that a good rigorous workout of a mathematical matrix can be a fascinating exercise, for me, nothing compares to the human experience of the settings, characters, and real-life drama that unfolds over the course of nine innings.

I wouldn’t say that it’s a womanly approach to baseball; it’s a human approach to baseball, so called because it puts humans first. Still, I suspect that most women would approach it that way, if they were approaching the game at all. Unfortunately, the priority of Major League Baseball doesn’t seem to be attracting the woman viewer, though I think there’s a lot for women to enjoy, and it really would be a healthy shift for the game. The human approach doesn’t encourage strikes, steriod use, or an enormous economic divide between large and small markets.

But while the statistics fanatics can turn to newspaper, Web sites, entire communities to contribute more data to the number-crunching they find so engaging, where can I go to learn more about the personalities that engage me in the game? Bits and pieces from the odd human-interest baseball newspaper article, the goofy television pre-game time fillers, and mostly my own careful observation of the way a player moves, the expression on a coach’s face, the words between the words of the prevalent sound bites.

And so, Red Hot Mama was born. Providing a fun and irreverant view of the characters of the Cincinnati Reds is the primary reason for her creation. Well, maybe secondary to giving me a place to stretch my ego by being a smart alec in a public forum. And, to be honest, all purposes are subsidiary to the distant possibility that the blog could be noticed and fully financially backed by some billionairre benefactor. But since I don’t see that one happening any time soon, we’ll bump the promotion-of-the-human-approach back up to second. Second ain’t bad.

To that end, I’m introducing a new category called Human League, where I will go on to some length about the parts of the game that I think are important. Possibly, no one else in all of Reds’ cyberdom will agree that it’s at all interesting, and I’ll be shunned and laughed at. Or maybe I’ll get picked up and backed by the Lifetime network.

If nothing else, it ought to be a fascinating exercise.