DENVER, CO -- An off-day after a losing series to the division's last-place team was reason enough for the slumping Austin Kearns and mini-slumping Adam Dunn to drown their sorrows. But late this afternoon, the duo couldn't remember anything, even where they'd left Kearns' bat.

The search for the bat took Kearns and Dunn on a wacky adventure through Denver, starting at a local high-end tailor. They had apparently had matching irridescent suits made because they wanted to look “just like those Night-at-the-Roxbury dudes on Saturday Night Live.”

“What Is Love?” by Haddaway blasted in the background as the two tried on the new suits. That's when they noticed the tattoos on their backs.

“Dude, what does mine say?” asked Dunn.
“'Donkey,' what does mine say?” Kearns replied.
“Dude, how many times do I have to tell you that only chicks can call me that, and what does mine say?” Dunn responded.
“They fit all that on my back?” asked a bewildered Kearns.

Having donned their fresh threads, the pair continued to Wal*Mart in search of the elusive bat.

“I heard they have everything here,” said Kearns, “I asked the guys in the blue vests, but they just kept sending me to this game in the toy aisle.”

With the new board game in hand, plus a couple new hard hats for Milton's start Friday, the two headed back to the hotel.

“The game was really hard,” said Dunn. “I had to hit a sac fly to get to the All-Star team, but it seemed like I never had a chance to. We did find Kearnsy's bat, though.”

The bat was in Rich Aurilia's room. “I don't know how it got there,” said Kearns, “Rich wouldn't have any reason to want me not to hit, would he?”

Dunn, Kearns, and the rest of the Reds begin a series with the Colorado Rockies Friday.