DENVER, CO -- What do you get when you mix the pitcher who gives up the most homeruns with the ballpark that gives up the most homeruns?

It sounds like the set-up to a joke, but Eric Milton wasn't laughing after Friday's 12-4 loss to the Colorado Rockies. Despite the potential for distaster from his outing, Milton surprised everyone.

He surprised the Rockies by giving up only four runs on eight hits, including one homerun. Given the setup, double-digits in all three categories wouldn't have been an unexpected punchline.

He surprised his management by keeping the Reds in a game that they had apparently prepared to forfeit, evidenced by the fact that they benched both their homerun leader and their RBI leader and pinch-hit with Luiz Lopez when at least three stronger offensive players were available.

But mostly, he surprised Sean Casey when he tackled him in the parking lot outside Coors Field just after the game Friday night.

“I was just walking along when this figure comes screaming out of the darkness shouting 'We were supposed to be contenders!' Next thing I know, Milton's got me around the knees and dragging me to the ground,” said Casey.

For his part, Casey reports that he “just snapped.”

“It was like an out-of-body experience. I heard my voice yelling 'Danny's gone; it should have been you' over and over again,” said Casey.

Joe Randa, who happened to be leaving the stadium at the same time, noticed the struggle and managed to pull Milton off Casey. Randa, however, was soon a part of the scuffle himself.

“Everyone is pretty frustrated,” said Randa, “But I guess I didn't realize how upset I was. When I heard Milton going off about how Casey had sold him on the 'team vision,' that triggered something in me, and I was all over him, too.”

The conflict eventually played itself out, and the three agree that it was exhausting but therapeutic. “I think regular team beat-downs could be a valuable part of our training regimen,” said Casey. “Next time we'll go after [Jason] Romano.”

DENVER, CO -- An off-day after a losing series to the division's last-place team was reason enough for the slumping Austin Kearns and mini-slumping Adam Dunn to drown their sorrows. But late this afternoon, the duo couldn't remember anything, even where they'd left Kearns' bat.

The search for the bat took Kearns and Dunn on a wacky adventure through Denver, starting at a local high-end tailor. They had apparently had matching irridescent suits made because they wanted to look “just like those Night-at-the-Roxbury dudes on Saturday Night Live.”

“What Is Love?” by Haddaway blasted in the background as the two tried on the new suits. That's when they noticed the tattoos on their backs.

“Dude, what does mine say?” asked Dunn.
“'Donkey,' what does mine say?” Kearns replied.
“Dude, how many times do I have to tell you that only chicks can call me that, and what does mine say?” Dunn responded.
“They fit all that on my back?” asked a bewildered Kearns.

Having donned their fresh threads, the pair continued to Wal*Mart in search of the elusive bat.

“I heard they have everything here,” said Kearns, “I asked the guys in the blue vests, but they just kept sending me to this game in the toy aisle.”

With the new board game in hand, plus a couple new hard hats for Milton's start Friday, the two headed back to the hotel.

“The game was really hard,” said Dunn. “I had to hit a sac fly to get to the All-Star team, but it seemed like I never had a chance to. We did find Kearnsy's bat, though.”

The bat was in Rich Aurilia's room. “I don't know how it got there,” said Kearns, “Rich wouldn't have any reason to want me not to hit, would he?”

Dunn, Kearns, and the rest of the Reds begin a series with the Colorado Rockies Friday.

That's what you call the phenomenon by which the Reds look redder to the other teams in the division as they rush away in the standings. (That's your cue to groan, Shawn.)

I really thought the Reds were going to win tonight, though I should have known something was amiss right away when the defensive line-up graphic FSNO showed in the second inning had Aurilia playing at short. When they finally panned over Felipe Lopez in the field, there was a collective sigh of relief at our house, but even our man Lopez wasn't enough to carry this team tonight.

Let's do hear it for Ramón Ortiz. He got into some trouble in the first, but managed to wriggle his whippet-thin self out of it. (Seriously, that guy has what, a 22″ waist?) After that he just seemed to get stronger, and I was genuinely surprised to see him pulled in the seventh with two outs, two on, and having given up two. Considering that Kent Mercker immediately gave up the 2-RBI double, it was a bad surprise.

We were just starting to bitch about how Roy Oswalt had faced the minimum in the fourth, when Felipe Lopez doubled to left field. Stretches his hitting streak to 14. And to think I actually laughed when I first saw him on the All-Star ballot.

The last couple nights, Sean Casey has found a few holes, including tonight in the fourth. I remember when it seemed like everything he hit got through. Man, those were good times. Wait, can 2004 really qualify as “good times”?

Unfortunately, after Ken Griffey, Jr. knocked in Lopez, and Adam Dunn walked on five pitches, Joe Randa swung on the first pitch and grounded into a double play. At least he's swinging (I'm looking at you, Kearnsy). Lance Berkman went on to hit a solo shot in the bottom of the fourth to bring the Astros ahead 2-1.

In the bottom of the fifth, Kearns came in to catch a ball in shallow right field. On FSNO, George Grande said that Kearns “bailed Freel out” by coming up with the fly ball. In the outfield. Behind first. I think that the expectations of Freel might be getting a tad high.

Speaking of Freel, he was on second in the top of the sixth when Lopez hit the ball back to the pitcher who then caught Freel up between second and third. The 1-6-5-4-5 play lasted long enough to get Lopez to second. Would have been nice to have seen Romano do that last night, huh? But even though the play left a runner on second, Casey flied out to center, and Griffey struck out to end anything that resembled a threat.

In the bottom of the eighth, David Weathers came in to pitch. Six weeks ago you never would have convinced me that I'd be relieved to see this fella. But three quick outs don't mean much if the offense doesn't show up.

What a bummer. But tomorrow's an off-day. I'm sure everything will look like it's returning to the violet part of the spectrum as we go into Colorado.

And no more physics jokes; I promise.

HOUSTON, TX -- Rich Aurilia might not be starting in the field, but he does have an imporant job ahead of him.

When Aurilia came off the disabled list to find his starting position gone, he was less-than-thrilled. To make it up to him, some Reds offered their own infield playing time.

“He's more comfortable on the left side, so it makes sense for me to sit [so Aurilia can play third base],” said Joe Randa. “I'll be traded in a month anyway, so I might as well stop diluting my early numbers and rest up for my chance to play on a team in contention.”

Ryan Freel also volunteered to yield to Aurilia. “Rich can't be expected to play just anywhere,” said Freel. “No one should have to play at different positions than what they're used to. That's just asking too much.”

Felipe Lopez, who's been on an offensive tear since even before Aurilia pulled the hamstring that sent him to the DL, was also quick to offer up his job. “They made me move over [to second base] for him, so I know how hard it is,” said Lopez. “But I came out of it a better ballplayer. Maybe time on the bench will help me even more.”

“Plus, now that he's got that Segway thing, he's almost as fast as me,” Lopez added.

Despite the acquiescence from Randa, Freel and Lopez, Manager Dave Miley had other plans for Aurilia.

“Even though we only signed him to a minor league contract, Rich has proven himself and demonstrated the intangibles that are so important from your veteran leadership,” said Miley. “That's why he'll be filling the role of manager for today's game and going into the Colorado series.”

General Manager Dan O'Brien agreed with the decision. “Aurilia demonstrated his head for baseball when he refused to go on a rehab assignment for more than one day,” said O'Brien. “That's exactly the kind of executive decisions that we like to see our players making about themselves and each other.”

“Maybe next week I'll give him my job,” joked O'Brien.