This One *Really* Counts
By
Amanda
Posted at 4:07 pm
DETROIT, MI -- Players in the 2005 All-Star Game in Detroit were stunned to find that President Bush had bombed Canada as a result of the Home Run Derby.
The Bush administration, fed up with Major League Baseball after months spent on steroids scandals and irritated about the format change of the Home Run Derby to include representatives from different countries, announced today that the All-Star Game tagline was “the last straw in a long list of baseball's lies.”
“We were tired of hearing how 'this one counts' when it doesn't count for anything,” said White House press secretary Scott McClellan, “So we decided to make it count for something and bombed the last place country.”
The last place country was Canada, whose representative Jason Bay failed to hit a single home run before earning 10 outs. Bay's performance came right after Bobby Abreu hit 24 long bombs in the first round, so 24 bombs were dropped in sparsley populated areas.
“We didn't want to hurt anyone,” said McClellan, “We just wanted to make a point.”
“We are a nation at war, and the men in our military know what things matter. Now Major League Baseball understands when something really counts,” said President Bush. “Canada has something to think about, too.”
Bush wouldn't discuss what his administration has planned for the losers of the All-Star Game tonight, but he warned the players to be on their toes.
“And don't mess with Teixeira,” Bush added as he left the podium.
It’s weird. I’m a little nervous.
Your boy’s got some tats, RHM.
Yeah, I know what you mean. This game wouldn’t have been remotely as interesting if I hadn’t agreed to put my utter lack of AL knowledge on the line and embarrass myself in public.
That’s why we’re making fun of them.
Wow. Francona’s not wearing his cruddy sweatshirt. Way to step it up, Terry.
OK, I know this isn’t our traditional smack, but it’s crap that Willis isn’t starting. Of all the Cards on the team, the only one who’s actally the team’s best option at his position is Edmonds. Scary.
OK, I’ll stop now. Well, I’ll try.
The thing is Chris hasn’t pitched since Wednesday-Willis pitched on Friday (same with Clemens, I believe) and got rocked. All things being equal, I would have gone with Willis.
And there is something to say for starting the ace of the staff of the best team in the league.
Or for exercising the perks of being the one in charge and playing all your own guys.
I mean, yeah, you’ve got a point.
La Russa was far far from pulling a Joe Torre. He could have named Morris to the team, but thought there were already too many Cardinals.
Course, now that Rolen’s pulled out, we’re down to just five and only four starters. 😉
Scooter: baseball’s Clippy.
I am going to kill McCarver.
C’mon, that pianist metaphor was poetry!
The defensive line-up just showed Carpenter pitching for the AL. Time to fire the intern.
Nice, Derrek. You finally have a guy on ahead of you and you strike out. Thanks.
Hee hee. How’s your SS, Damon?
Ooh, the first out is a pretty one from the little guy. Too bad he wasn’t tall enough for the next ball.
Gee, all those Cardinals sure don’t belong in the starting lineup.
Jimmy’s gonna look bad.
Dude, I was being serious. It *was* pretty and I give him full props. And calling someone a little guy is a big compliment from me.
No, that wasn’t directed at you. It was directed to ESPN, FOX, et al that said Carpenter was a dumb choice and Eckstein was the worst free-agent signing.
I just clapped for a Cub.
I feel so very very dirty.
Aha. I know about failed free-agent signings: Eckstein wasn’t one of them.
Can I ask you girls a question? Do you enjoy the shot of Mark Buehrle’s buttocks every time they show the diamond cam? Cause it really doesn’t do a thing for me.
Terrible angle. Too compressed. It’s like he got squashed.
I don’t like Jeff Kent, but if I could grow a mustache like his, I would. I’m jealous of men who can grow stellar mustaches.
No, Buehrle is not hotness personified. I prefer smaller hips.
He doesn’t do it for you either? Just how *do* you like your male buttocks, Joel?
Thanks, John. You rock.
I prefer my men to look more like women…come to think of it, I actually prefer women.
What’s the over-under on how long it will take Kenny Rogers or Gary Sheffield to attack FOX Reporter Kevin Kennedy?
Maybe Rogers could attack McCarver and win back some of his popularity.
Everyone is glad Milton Bradley is not at the game.
When Bartolo Colon pitches, his belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly.
whoah, eckstein almost hit it to the warning track….good job davey!
Throwing error on Colon to first. *That’s* why they’re All-Stars.
Colon you are chubby and can’t throw a pickoff!
Thank god Tim McCarver is there to remind us that Mark "Don’t mess with" Teixeira has never caught a pick off throw from Colon. What I like about McCarver is that he isn’t afraid to look like an idiot….or maybe he just doesn’t know that he looks like an idiot.
And he practically calls the plays before they happen. Or maybe I’m just used to the "George Grande delay."
Damon may have stolen 9 with 1 CS, but Albert’s stolen 9 and hasn’t been caught all year. I hate the Red Sox.
A-rod looks a little…uh…flaming in his white shoes with white pants. I’m no fashion expert, but that’s just my impression.
"Flaming" was too overt to be inuendo: I think what you meant to say is that with those white shoes he looks like he overdid it with the loafer lightener.
In any event, I think they’re fabulous.
They really do have some great music to lead into the commercials. Nicely done, MLB.
sorry, I need to hire a joke writer.
it’s a sad state for the NL when we are dependent on Cubs to take us to victory.
Lee can only hit with the bases empty. Stupid Cub.
Oh, I’m not cross-posting anymore-it got too confusing.
Sorry Joel. I’m in full-on smack mode. I’ll lay off.
Way to go Edmonds! (Now *I* feel dirty.)
way to run it out ramirez….stupid cub.
Is it possible to just mute McCarver? Man, I wish my TV had an SAP button!
I was really hoping we’d put some runs on the board before Clemens came in. It might have been a nice experience for him.
Ha! Yeah, Clemens deserves some support. If only there were a team around with a powerful offense and a struggling pitching staff that he could be the star of. If only.
Did they really just play Elton John for Livan Hernandez? FOX’s creative director needs to be fired
God, I hate the Cubs. If the Cardinals are lucky enough to get to the World Series, I am personally going to blame the Cubs for us not having HFA.