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The Cubs played a baseball game against the Dodgers, although using the word “play” to describe their actions might be insulting to baseball teams everywhere.

Carlos Zambrano was about the only Cubs player who showed up to play; everyone else flat-out sucked. For example, the entire infield–yes, the entire infield–had an error. Derrek Lee, Mark DeRosa, Ryan Theriot, and Aramis Ramirez all booted or misthrew balls.

The pathetic excuse for baseball made me shake my head and laugh. It’s one thing to expect the Cubs not to win and achieve 100 years of failure, but to do it in such a terrific display of baseball incompetence was staggering.

The more Cubs baseball I see, the more I think that they don’t know how to win. Whenever they get close, they freak out and turn to blaming bizarre things: a fan in the stands, a goat that didn’t even attend the game, a “curse,” etc. The thing is, I never have seen any of those things flail away at bad pitches or bobble an easy double play ball. Until the Cubs look earnestly in the mirror at the only scapegoat that matters I’m afraid that they’re in for even more losing.

Oh, and for those Cubs fans with a computer, you can order your USB panic button here.

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I guess C. C. Sabathia is human, after all. In his 4th start on short rest, he wasn’t nearly as dominating as he had been previously for the Brewers. Sabathia lasted only 3 2/3 innings, allowing 5 earned runs, while striking out 5.

The bullpen came in and shut the Phillies down, but Brett Myers was too good and 5 runs was too much.

Now Milwaukee finds themselves facing elimination via a sweep. They have a day off between games. I think they should start Sabathia again.

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That didn’t take long. There’s been a lot of optimism and positive vibes for the Cubs this year. They decimated their competition and appeared to have assembled the best Chicago team in my lifetime, if not ever. So how would they do when they reached the playoffs? So far, it’s the same old story as the last 99 years. And this time they didn’t even need Dusty Baker’s mismanagement.

Ryan Dempster started game 1 for the Cubs and was the Dumpster Reds fans have come to know and love. Dempster was bad. He allowed 4 runs in 4 2/3 innings, walked 7 and struck out 2. 2 of those walks were to the pitcher. Not a good first game. (Incidentally, I blame the guy wearing a Dempster jersey at my wife’s office. If that’s not asking for some kind of baseball punishment, I don’t know what is.)

Like the Brewers, the Cubs find themselves in a hole, but also like the Brewers, they have a better pitcher starting their next game. Well, arguably better. Carlos Zambrano will try to right Chicago’s ship. Considering his often erratic, emotional behavior, I would be nervous were I a Cubs fan.

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The Brewers have been the epitome of a team playing for this year. They traded away their best prospect for a half-season rental of a starting pitcher. They fired their longtime manager with two weeks to go to jump start the team. And they routinely had their rental starter pitch on short rest. So it should come as no surprise that they picked Yovani Gallardo to pitch the opening game of their best of 5 against the Phillies.

Gallardo spent the vast majority of the year on the DL. He started 2 games in April, 1 in May, and then nothing until right before the season ended in September. Surely, he’s not rusty. No, what a nonsensical notion.

The crazy thing is that Gallardo was effective. He threw 4 innings and allowed no earned runs. But it was the defense and the unearned runs that doomed Milwaukee yesterday. The Brewers converted a bunt that should have been a double into no outs. And then Mike Cameron compounded problems when he misjudged a fly ball in the wind. All this allowed 3 unearned runs to score in the 3rd, and the Brewers never came back against the Phillies Cole Hamels.

It’s always tough to come back from a game 1 loss in a short series–most teams don’t–but most teams don’t have the inhuman C. C. Sabathia starting game 2. We’ll see if there’s more peeing in Milwaukee’s future.

Cubs are down 6-2 in the top of the eighth. When we turned on the game and saw the score, I suddenly had a sick, sinking feeling that the Cubs are going to get swept in the first round. And with that feeling came another sudden realization.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I suspect there are Cubs fans at the end of their lives who–maybe they don’t even know this–are only hanging on right now by the strength of their desire to see the Cubs finally win the World Series. The sudden realization that I had at the end of the last paragraph was that some of these fans will die of disappointment if the Cubs don’t win.

Hopefully they can get Ryan Dempster to autograph the ball on top of the urn.