SILVER SPRING, MD – The FDA this morning released a report containing previously unknown side effects of the drug Androstenedione.

Androstenedione is an anabolic steroid precursor; it is a steroid that does not itself cause muscle growth, but can be converted by the body into such a steroid. Known side effects of the drug included testicular atrophy, impotence, and the development of female characteristics such as breast enlargement.

The newly discovered side effects of the drug include unusually long hair growth, a predisposition to wear corn rows, and tendency to play shitty grunge guitar. Other rare but serious side effects, such as abnormally strong attachments to particular catchers, are still being investigated.

Upon hearing the story, Cincinnati Reds starting pitcher Bronson Arroyo told reporters, “well that explains a lot.”