Early this morning Reds and Blues gave Reds fans everywhere an unprecedented look into the bosom buddydom of two of Cincinnati's most eligible bachelors when they printed a letter from Adam Dunn, playing an away game in Boston, to Austin Kearns, cooling his heels in Louisville.

Here at RHM, we also got an inside scoop when Kearns' response letter found its way to our desk.

Hey Dawg,
Man, Boston sounds awful. I sure don't miss those pictures of his kids Casey's always making everyone look at. But it sounds like you're having a pretty good time without me. You and Griff got new chairs, that's what you wanted. And some time on the PlayStation with Rich, good. You both suck at it, so you deserve each other. And took the Roxbury suit out without me. That's really great. Really, really great.

Take care of yourself, pal.
Austin

BOSTON, MA -- A man in a furry green suit calling himself The Green Tickle Monster appeared in the Reds' locker room after tonight's game.

For a team that has seen family deaths, separated friends, and a season-long failure to meet lofty expectations, smiles are hard to come by. But tonight, hysterical laughter could be heard far outside the visitors' locker room.

Just moments after Ken Griffey Jr struck out to end the Reds' on-field misery, the locker room door slammed open with a bang that brought conversation to a sudden halt. Through the door rushed a six-and-a-half foot tall furry green creature announcing “I'm The Green Tickle Monster, and I'm going to get you!”

The man in the monster suit (still unidentified, though Adam Dunn was conspicuously missing) then took off after one player after another, pinning them down and tickling them until they cried uncle. The room stood in stunned silence as the monster pushed down Sean Casey and tickled his ribs, saying “Turn that frown upside-down, Señor Grumpy Face!”

Some were cheering and laughing along as he pulled off Rich Aurilia's shoes and tickled his feet, announcing, “You got your playing time; let's see you enjoy it!”

The Tickle Monster was beginning to chase after Ramón Ortiz, shouting “You're supposed to be Mr. Happy!” when the door slammed open again. The room again fell silent as Manager Dave Miley walked in to see what all the ruckus was.

The monster tackled Miley and tickled his collarbone, which at first elicited only rapid, nervous blinks that eventually yielded to titters and finally turned to guffaws.

For the third time in the evening, the door slammed open as Dunn stormed in and pulled the costumed man off of Miley. The unidentified man escaped before anyone had the presence of mind to stop him.

The Green Tickle Monster is still at large in the greater Boston metropolitan area. He is unarmed and presumed to be trying to make someone wet their pants. Please call 1-555-CRIMINAL if you have any information regarding the identity of this perpetrator.

BOSTON, MA -- The day after Paul Wilson is scheduled for exploratory shoulder surgery, Eric Milton will also go under the knife.

Milton, who suffers no physical ailments and reports no pain, appears to be the victim of a mental block. The surgery Saturday will be on his brain.

“He tried to work through it. We put him through sensory deprivation, regression therapy, even hypnosis,” Dr. Timothy Kremchek, the Reds medical director said. “Seriously, we had him in the fetal position crying for mommy every single day. But he's hit a wall. Brain surgery is drastic, but he's hurting the team. We have to do what's best for the Reds organization: get Milton off the active roster.”

Because he's not sure what the surgery will uncover, Kremchek can't predict how long Milton will be out, but everyone is hoping it will be a while.

Kremchek will perform the surgery. He said it was the only option left.

“They certainly can't move him to the bullpen,” said Kremcheck.

Randy Keisler was the star of tonight's game after he came into the game in the second inning to relieve the struggling Ramón Ortiz. Keisler lasted through the eighth inning, allowing one run on two hits, as well as sparking the offense when he hit the first homerun of his career in the bottom of the third inning.

After the hit, Keisler reportedly returned to the dugout, sat down next to Ken Griffey, Jr. and said, “See? That's how it's done.” Griffey was taken aback but went on to hit a homerun in the fourth inning.

Hoping for similar success after a sacrifice fly in the fourth inning, Sean Casey sat down next to Adam Dunn and said the same thing: “See? That's how it's done.”

Dunn responded, “That's how it's me?” and spent the rest of the game confused.

Hancock Ready for Action
Josh Hancock played for the Louisville Bats in a rehab start tonight. He allowed 10 runs on 15 hits and a walk through 4 and 1/3 innings.

“Sounds like a genuine Reds starter to me,” said pitching coach Don Gullet.

Hancock is scheduled to start with the Reds in place of Aaron Harang against Tampa Bay on Thursday.

Freel Skips the Razor
Utility-man Ryan Freel made his first start in three games tonight with markedly more hair than he's had all season.

“Kearnsy and Wily Mo have been trying to get me on their hair stuff for months,” said Freel. “Besides, I hear some of my biggest fans actually liked the unruly curls.”

Reds Draft Goes Young
The Reds drafted local tee-ball hero Winter Mama in the second round of today's amateur draft. Mama led his team, the Cookie Monster Crawlers, to the Diaper League championship in 2004. Minor league director Tim Naehring calls Mama a “great natural both-y” since he still uses both hands to throw the ball.

“Weird name, though,” said Naehring. “He must have a hippy chick for a mother or something.”