DENVER, CO -- What do you get when you mix the pitcher who gives up the most homeruns with the ballpark that gives up the most homeruns?

It sounds like the set-up to a joke, but Eric Milton wasn't laughing after Friday's 12-4 loss to the Colorado Rockies. Despite the potential for distaster from his outing, Milton surprised everyone.

He surprised the Rockies by giving up only four runs on eight hits, including one homerun. Given the setup, double-digits in all three categories wouldn't have been an unexpected punchline.

He surprised his management by keeping the Reds in a game that they had apparently prepared to forfeit, evidenced by the fact that they benched both their homerun leader and their RBI leader and pinch-hit with Luiz Lopez when at least three stronger offensive players were available.

But mostly, he surprised Sean Casey when he tackled him in the parking lot outside Coors Field just after the game Friday night.

“I was just walking along when this figure comes screaming out of the darkness shouting 'We were supposed to be contenders!' Next thing I know, Milton's got me around the knees and dragging me to the ground,” said Casey.

For his part, Casey reports that he “just snapped.”

“It was like an out-of-body experience. I heard my voice yelling 'Danny's gone; it should have been you' over and over again,” said Casey.

Joe Randa, who happened to be leaving the stadium at the same time, noticed the struggle and managed to pull Milton off Casey. Randa, however, was soon a part of the scuffle himself.

“Everyone is pretty frustrated,” said Randa, “But I guess I didn't realize how upset I was. When I heard Milton going off about how Casey had sold him on the 'team vision,' that triggered something in me, and I was all over him, too.”

The conflict eventually played itself out, and the three agree that it was exhausting but therapeutic. “I think regular team beat-downs could be a valuable part of our training regimen,” said Casey. “Next time we'll go after [Jason] Romano.”

DENVER, CO -- An off-day after a losing series to the division's last-place team was reason enough for the slumping Austin Kearns and mini-slumping Adam Dunn to drown their sorrows. But late this afternoon, the duo couldn't remember anything, even where they'd left Kearns' bat.

The search for the bat took Kearns and Dunn on a wacky adventure through Denver, starting at a local high-end tailor. They had apparently had matching irridescent suits made because they wanted to look “just like those Night-at-the-Roxbury dudes on Saturday Night Live.”

“What Is Love?” by Haddaway blasted in the background as the two tried on the new suits. That's when they noticed the tattoos on their backs.

“Dude, what does mine say?” asked Dunn.
“'Donkey,' what does mine say?” Kearns replied.
“Dude, how many times do I have to tell you that only chicks can call me that, and what does mine say?” Dunn responded.
“They fit all that on my back?” asked a bewildered Kearns.

Having donned their fresh threads, the pair continued to Wal*Mart in search of the elusive bat.

“I heard they have everything here,” said Kearns, “I asked the guys in the blue vests, but they just kept sending me to this game in the toy aisle.”

With the new board game in hand, plus a couple new hard hats for Milton's start Friday, the two headed back to the hotel.

“The game was really hard,” said Dunn. “I had to hit a sac fly to get to the All-Star team, but it seemed like I never had a chance to. We did find Kearnsy's bat, though.”

The bat was in Rich Aurilia's room. “I don't know how it got there,” said Kearns, “Rich wouldn't have any reason to want me not to hit, would he?”

Dunn, Kearns, and the rest of the Reds begin a series with the Colorado Rockies Friday.

HOUSTON, TX -- Rich Aurilia might not be starting in the field, but he does have an imporant job ahead of him.

When Aurilia came off the disabled list to find his starting position gone, he was less-than-thrilled. To make it up to him, some Reds offered their own infield playing time.

“He's more comfortable on the left side, so it makes sense for me to sit [so Aurilia can play third base],” said Joe Randa. “I'll be traded in a month anyway, so I might as well stop diluting my early numbers and rest up for my chance to play on a team in contention.”

Ryan Freel also volunteered to yield to Aurilia. “Rich can't be expected to play just anywhere,” said Freel. “No one should have to play at different positions than what they're used to. That's just asking too much.”

Felipe Lopez, who's been on an offensive tear since even before Aurilia pulled the hamstring that sent him to the DL, was also quick to offer up his job. “They made me move over [to second base] for him, so I know how hard it is,” said Lopez. “But I came out of it a better ballplayer. Maybe time on the bench will help me even more.”

“Plus, now that he's got that Segway thing, he's almost as fast as me,” Lopez added.

Despite the acquiescence from Randa, Freel and Lopez, Manager Dave Miley had other plans for Aurilia.

“Even though we only signed him to a minor league contract, Rich has proven himself and demonstrated the intangibles that are so important from your veteran leadership,” said Miley. “That's why he'll be filling the role of manager for today's game and going into the Colorado series.”

General Manager Dan O'Brien agreed with the decision. “Aurilia demonstrated his head for baseball when he refused to go on a rehab assignment for more than one day,” said O'Brien. “That's exactly the kind of executive decisions that we like to see our players making about themselves and each other.”

“Maybe next week I'll give him my job,” joked O'Brien.

CINCINNATI, OH -- Adam Dunn's massage chair that had been removed from the clubhouse was returned to its spot today with a note of apology for the inconvenience.

Manager Dave Miley's removal of the chair from the clubhouse on Tuesday was a remarkably literal demonstration of the management's current message to players: don't get too comfortable. However, after concerns surfaced that Dunn wouldn't want to sign with the Reds because they took his chair, it was immediately returned.

“Things were a little too easy going around here for a while,” said Miley, “But Dunner's been strong all season so there's no reason for him not to lie about a little.”

Dunn, for one, was pleased to have the “poor little guy” back.

“I talked to the chair, and he said they treated him OK during his capture,” Dunn laughed, “Seriously, though, I'm glad to see that the organization is willing to coddle me. I don't think that anyone would want a career with a club that asks them not to have indulgent luxury items while the team is sinking like a stone.”

Casey Visits List Server
Sean Casey, who has been widely criticized for voicing his displeasure over the release of long-time friend Danny Graves, found a venue to express his frustration today when he logged on to Redzone.com.

“Folks seemed to think I should be happy to see my buddy fired or something,” said Casey, “But on-line I can complain about it as much as I want, everyone bitches about everything. It's sort of encouraged.”

NEW YORK, NY -- Paul Wilson will not go on the disabled list even though both of his arms fell off in the fifth inning of today's game.

Wilson's right arm catapulted from his body on a pitch to David Wright. Beyond the release point, his arm carried the inertia of the throwing motion to land about halfway between the mound and the plate. Despite the initial shock of seeing an extremity flying his way, Wright managed to hit the pitch to the mound for an RBI double. Wilson got to the ball, but failed to make the out when his left arm dropped to the ground.

Even if his left arm had remained attached, it is unlikely that Wilson could have made the out, since he had no right arm with which to throw to first, so the play was scored a hit. Wilson came out of the game, but will not go on the DL.

“For Pauly, it is mental and a matter of confidence in himself and his ability,” said pitching coach Don Gullet, “We'll let him decide if he needs a break, like we did so successfully with [Ben] Weber.”

Asked how the injury would affect his pitching, Wilson said, “'Tis but a scratch.”

When it was pointed out that he had no arms left, Wilson went on to explain that it was “just a flesh wound.”

Wilson is next scheduled to start at Great American Ballpark Sunday against Cleveland.