CINCINNATI, OH--The Knothole Club of Greater Cincinnati will stop allowing bad athletes to participate in little league games because of the negative effect that sucking has on a child's self-esteem.

The decision was made by a group of concerned parents, coaches, and umpires in response to reports that a 7-year old player was seen crying after tripping on the base path and scraping his knee.

“The humiliation of being such a bad runner is far more painful than the injury,” said the boy's mother, Helen Hamilton, who admitted she hadn't actually talked to her son about why he was crying. “These are children. They'll never learn if we let them fail.”

The decision comes on the heels of an earlier announcement that any kind of negative chatter had been banned after some heated exchanges led to fights and hurt feelings. “If you're saying, 'Swing, batter,' and this poor little kid is swinging at everything, he feels bad and maybe he turns to the catcher and gets mad,” Knothole president Dave Epplen explained. “This move was the natural next step in protecting children from learning to deal with the feelings that they might have.”

The fact that the decision would exclude about 75 percent of the participants didn't bother Epplen. “Keeping these bad players out of games, heck, out of interactions with other human beings, is for their own good.”

Other measures under consideration include wrapping players in bubble wrap and replacing games between teams with single-player virtual reality in which the child plays only against CPU opponents programmed to lose.

“I like the idea,” said Hamilton. “The best thing I can do to ensure that he makes good choices as an adult is to shelter him from everything right up until the day I decide to leave him to his own devices.”

Major League Baseball held a coin toss today to determine the site of a potential National League Central tie-breaking game. In the event of a tie between the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Chicago Cubs for last place, a one-game playoff would be held at Chicago's Wrigley Field on Tuesday, October 3. The loser of the game would be the winner of the distinction of being the worst team in the NLC.

The Cubs and Pirates are currently tied with a record of 65-95, and with only two games left, have already missed the opportunity to end the season with 100 losses.

“Losing a lot of games is great if you can do something with those losses,” Cubs manager Dusty Baker said. “Clogging up the bottom of the division isn't that great to me. The problem we have to address more than anything is falling short of our 100 loss goal.”

The Cubs face the Colorado Rockies in the final two games of the season, who are also vying for last place in the National League West, where they hold a one-game lead on the Arizona Diamondbacks and a one and a half game lead on the San Fransisco Giants. The Pirates face the Cincinnati Reds, who have already been mathematically eliminated from achieving last place.

“Clearly we've got the advantage going into these last two games, but you can't underestimate the Cubs' ability to lose,” said Pirates' general manager Dave Littlefield. “We've got a solid core of veterans past their prime to block our young talent, so I think we have a chance.”

WGN would provide live national coverage of the tie-breaker game because they'll follow the Cubs, no matter how much they suck. You can also bet that a bunch of Chicagoans would travel to Pittsburgh for the game, probably wearing matching shirts.

Fans of Bronson Arroyo's debut album Covering the Bases will be lining up for his follow-up work Loading the Bases, due in stores next month.

Bronson pours his heart out in this album inspired by his 2006 season experiences. Bronson's journey has been an emotional roller coaster, and this album takes you along for the ride.

• You'll feel the heart-wrenching separation of being torn from his home in Boston and shipped off to Cincinnati when you listen to the first two tracks: But I'm Too Hot For Ohio and I Hope Adam Dunn Doesn't Give Me a Wedgie.
• You'll fly high with Bronson through his first nine wins when you hear I'm Too Awesome to Keep Promises to Bloggers and Screw You, Aaron Harang.
• You'll enjoy the care-free confidence of the midseason with All-Star Party Dude and Shit, Would You Believe a Double?.
• You'll ache along with Bronson during his 11-game win draught in It's David Ross's Fault Anyway and It Would Have Been a Good Outing If You Hadn't Let Those Inherited Runners Score.
• Finally, you'll be inspired by the fierce independence of the closing track My Name Ain't Cornroyo.

Loading the Bases is a must-have for baseball collectors and music enthusiasts alike. Pre-order your copy today at the MLB gift shop, cow pastures, and everywhere bullshit is sold.

CINCINNATI, OH -- The Cincinnati Reds revealed today that the bullpen hasn't been blowing leads as commonly believed. They've been donating them.

Much like last year's popular program to donate runs to a local retirement community, this charitable endeavor helps out those less fortunate than the Reds. Every lead the bullpen gives up goes straight to an area reporter.

“I couldn't figure out why people were booing our charity work when the program was supposed to be announced back in April,” said David Weathers, mastermind of the plan. “Then I found out that the Marketing Department accidentally used the draft of the press release as the scorepad for their annual conasta tournament.”

The bullpen has been surprisingly effective in giving up leads this season. This may be the most successful charity effort in Reds' history.

“You just love to see the looks on the reporters' faces when you give them a good lead,” said Kent Mercker. “It makes giving up that lead worthwhile.”

The bullpen will continue to give up leads until it is dismantled later this month. No word yet on donating punny headlines.

CINCINNATI, OH -- Manager Jerry Narron announced this afternoon that star pitcher Bronson Arroyo will move to the Cincinnati bullpen to bolster the relievers.

“One thing we're really lacking is a solid long reliever and spot starter,” said Narron. “It will be nice to finally have someone with some real relieving experience that we can count on out of the 'pen.”

Arroyo was an innings eater who notched a few key starts in the post-season for the Boston Red Sox. Boston traded him to Cincinnati for Wily Mo Peña just before the season began.

“He said he'd rather pitch out of the Boston bullpen than start for anyone else,” said Narron. “This move gets him halfway there.”