SARASOTA, FL -- The Reds announced Jung Keun Bong as the projected opening day starter today after 29 of the 30 pitchers currently at spring training were injured during bunting practice.

In a desperate attempt to improve the bunting ability of the Reds pitching staff, manager Jerry Narron threw his pitchers right into bunting against live pitching today.

“Looking back on it, we probably should have let them warm up against something a little softer,” said Narron. Instead, he had the notoriously wild flamethrower Allan Simpson throw bunting practice.

“They just went down one after another,” said Narron. “[Aaron] Harang took a fastball in the eye, and [Dave] Williams got hit in the shoulder.”

“I just kept thinking 'there's no way he's going to keep hitting them.' I was wrong.”

Simpson himself tripped walking off the mound and sprained his wrist. Only Bong, who is in Japan training with the Korean team for the World Baseball Classic was spared and is likely to be the only pitcher healthy enough to work on opening day.

“At least it won't be [recently released pitcher Josh] Hancock,” said Narron.

Narron Looks Ahead, Hires Hatcher
The Reds announced that former Reds outfielder Billy Hatcher will replace John Moses as first base coach. Moses retired suddenly last Thursday. Narron chose Hatcher because of his experience working with Lou Piniella.

Hatcher most recently coached first for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays where he worked with Piniella. Reds CEO Bob Castellini has made no secret of wanting to bring Piniella in to manage the Reds when he's available.

“Might as well bring in someone who has a shot at keeping the job next year,” Narron explained.

Lopez Backs Out of WBC
All-star shortstop Felipe Lopez backed out of playing for Puerto Rico in the World Baseball Classic so that he can bond with new infield coordinator, Bucky Dent.

Lopez says he'd like to have as big an impact as Dent. “Anybody who can piss off Boston fans so much is someone I'd like to get to know,” said Lopez. “Maybe someday, if I'm good enough, they'll call me 'Felipe Fucking Lopez' or something.”

He's also looking forward to getting to know the new first base coach.

“I've been playing his video game all day, and I'm really looking forward to talking giant eggs with him,” said Lopez.

CINCINNATI, OH -- Reds' Manager Jerry Narron re-hired Randy Whisler to be first base coach today when John Moses unexpectedly retired yesterday.

Moses was almost on the plane to report for duty at spring training when he realized that he just couldn't tear himself away from the people he loves most.

“It caught me completely off guard,” Reds manager Jerry Narron said. “He's been in baseball a long time. He told me he was on his way to the airport and just had a change of heart with what he was doing. He felt like he had to do what's best for his family.”

Narron wasted no time tracking down the man who had held the position immediately prior to Moses.

“Whisler brings a lot of base-coaching experience,” said Narron. “He's a real veteran.”

Ken Griffey, father of the Reds' center fielder by the same name, had been thought to be a front-runner for the position. Griffey seemed to fit well with Castellini's stated desire to include more former Reds in the day-to-day activities of the team and could lend his experience with a winning Reds team. Plus, junior Griffey tends to hit better when his father is around; he's hit four home runs on his father's birthdays and four more on Father's Days throughout his career.

“Having Whisler as the first base coach gives us more flexibility,” explained Narron. “He allows us to use [Griffey Sr] in more of a utility role.

CINCINNATI, OH -- When Reds CEO Bob Castellini fired General Manager Dan O'Brien, he announced that he expected to interview “between six and eight candidates.” Now that the Reds have announced seven candidates for the GM position, some fans wish Castellini had just said “seven” to begin with.

“Why does he have to dance around the point?” wonders Matt R. Affact, life-long Reds fan and manager of a local 7-11 store. “If you want to interview seven guys, just say seven. It's dumb to make a math problem out of it. Didn't we get enough of that kind of talk out of [former General Manager Dan] O'Brien?”

Henry Arrest Outdoes Freel Arrest
Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry was charged with possession of a concealed firearm, improper exhibition of a firearm, and aggravated assault with a firearm Saturday. The arrest comes just six weeks after Henry was arrested for marijuana possession on December 15.

Cincinnati Reds' resident bad boy Ryan Freel was unhappy about the arrest. Freel was arrested last month for disorderly intoxication, though the charges were later dropped in exchange for community service.

“How am I supposed to compete with that?” Freel demanded.

CINCINNATI, OH -- Less than 24 hours after the press conference to introduce new team ownership, the Reds' new CEO Bob Castellini hosted the press in his office this afternoon.

“Thank you for being here again,” began Castellini. “Our goal here today is to demonstrate how very seriously we take our our dedication to timely communication with the fan base. We take it very, very seriously.”

“I want to make a promise today to Reds fans wherever you are -- a promise from one fan to another -- we will bring championship baseball to Cincinnati. This is just our second day on the job,” Castellini said.

When someone pointed out that it was actually his third day on the job, Castellini was embarrassed.

“That's even worse than when I forgot to count the A's and Dodgers as teams who won more World Series than the Reds,” Castellini said. “But not quite as bad as when I said that we'd contend this year with $60 million in payroll.”

Mathematics aside, there wasn't much for Castellini to report since yesterday. He reiterated some of his key points.

“We are still very excited about the new role John Allen will be playing with the organization. Not only does he have a solid plan for maximizing the business potential for the club, but he also has visionary ideas for the direction of the organization as a whole,” said Castellini.

“And O'Brien will be there too.” Castellini mumbled.

The next press conference is in the works but hasn't been scheduled as of yet.

“Look for Reds employees asking for your opinion of when we should hold another one,” Castellini said.

LAS VEGAS, NV -- Pete Rose has volunteered to fill in at the kissing booth left vacant by Adam Dunn this weekend for 50 percent of the proceeds.

The kissing booth was intended to be a fundraising event held in coordination with Cory Lidle's Celebrity Poker Tournament this weekend. Dunn was scheduled to man the booth Monday morning but said he backed out of the event because “nerdy guys started lining up” days in advance of his appearance.

Rose, who is in town anyway autographing memorabilia in a local shopping mall, is not concerned about the masculine contingent joining the queue at the kissing booth.

“I don't mind the men,” said Rose, “because I get to charge them more.”

Rose will man the booth from 7 to 11 a.m. Monday in the lobby of The Paris hotel. The charge is $250 for women and $500 for men. Part of the proceeds will benefit the Make-a-Wish Foundation while the rest will cement Rose's legacy as a sad, sad man.