CINCINNATI, OH -- A Cincinnati Reds fan and frequent message board poster used his precognitive powers to select the winning lotto numbers this week to win a $250 prize.

“After I foretold the loss of the Reds' season because [Reds' General Manager Dan] O'Brien signed [infielder Rich] Aurilia, I knew I had the gift,” said the lotto winner, Mel O. Drama. “So I bought a ticket.”

He bought 300 $1 tickets, actually. “It's not luck,” said Drama. “It's clairvoyance.”

Dunn Cancels Kissing Booth
Adam Dunn, the Reds' popular outfielder-cum-first-baseman, cancelled plans to man a kissing booth for the Make-A-Wish Foundation during Cory Lidle's Celebrity Poker Tournament in Las Vegas this weekend.

“It sounded like a good way to meet some hot chicks, but these nerdy guys started lining up on Wednesday.” said Dunn. “It was freaky; they were all muttering about on base percentage.”

Dunn's fans were disappointed.

“But it's for the kids!” exclaimed one man in queue.

Old Guys Inducted into Reds Hall of Fame
Tom Browning and two other people you've never heard of were selected to join the Reds Hall of Fame this week. The three old guys will be inducted during a pregame ceremony at Great American Ball Park later this summer.

Here at the end of December, the Nationals signing Ramon Ortiz counts as Reds news, so I cleaned my desk.

Enjoy!

Friday, August 19, 2005
Lindner Finds Way to Enjoy Reds' Season
CINCINNATI, OH -- Reds' owner Carl Lindner has been busy on the phone lately.

Lindner got Ken Griffey Jr.'s heart pumping on Thursday when he called. However, Lindner wasn't calling about sending Griffey to Chicago, but rather to offer tickets to a tennis tournament.

Lindner sent a similar jolt through Rich Aurilia when he called at 5 this morning.

“I'm not a 10-5 guy, so I didn't know why a trade would require a call from the owner,” said Aurilia, “But I started getting really excited about it anyway.”

Aurilia's call began the same as Griffey's: a secretary announced that Lindner wanted to speak to him, followed by a long period of silence.

“But I don't think time was dragging on,” said Aurilia, “I think he actually left me hanging there for five minutes.”

Finally, Lindner answered the phone.

“He says, 'I bet you're wondering why I'm calling you,' and I say, 'I've got an idea,'” recounted Aurilia, “Then he says, 'You probably think I've got a trade in the works, right?' and I say 'Yeah.'”

That wasn't what Lindner had in mind, however. A couple of seconds of muffled laughter preceded Lindner's response.

“Then he all of a sudden shouts 'Psych!' and slams down the phone,” said Aurilia.

“It was really rude and immature.”

Asked to comment on the phone call, Lindner giggled like a little girl.

“After that, I called [Cardinals' manager] Tony La Russa and asked if he had his first baseman in a can,” hooted Lindner.

PITTSBURGH, PA -- After trading for Cincinnati Reds' first baseman Sean Casey and courting former Red Joe Randa, Pirates' general manager Dave Littlefield revealed plans today to sign the entire Cincinnati 2005 opening day infield.

“Don't you remember the Reds' opening series last year?” Littlefield responded when asked about his plan. “I want to bring that kind of excitement to the great city of Pittsburgh.”

Littlefield and Reds' general manager Dan O'Brien are in talks to trade Reds' catcher Jason LaRue for the Pirates' shortstop, Jack Wilson.

“I'm hoping this move will make the Womack trade look better by comparison,” explained O'Brien. “Besides, we can't go into spring training without someone to start ahead of [Felipe] Lopez.”

Negotiations with shortstop Rich Aurilia are moving quickly. “I want to play every day,” said Aurilia. “I haven't displaced a younger, faster, better shortstop in almost a year now, and I'm getting kind of anxious.”

Casey described Littlefield's plan as “awesome,” though rumor has it that he is holding up talks with second baseman D'Angelo Jimenez.

“He's just mean,” said Casey.

Littlefield says he has a backup plan in case he cannot come to an agreement with Jimenez.

“Barry Larkin's still in good shape, right?” said Littlefield.

If Littlefield can succeed in his goal of emulating the 2005 Reds, he may well pull off the most exciting start to a Pirate's season in recent memory. Of course, the wide-eyed enthusiasm will fizzle immediately after the first series, leaving the fan base completely dejected by the middle of June and finishing the season in fifth place in the division.

“But that's one place higher than we ended last year,” said Littlefield. “A step in the right direction.”

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- Colorado Rockies' reliever Ray King made his silver screen debut today with the release of the much anticipated remake of King Kong.

King, who plays the title simian, says he can identify with the beast. “In some ways, I'm like King Kong,” said King. “People say I'm too big, or that I'm too dangerous. It's true that I'm strong and powerful, but really I'm just a big softy.”

King joins such baseball players as Drake Hogestyn (Days of Our Lives) in making the switch to acting. King said it was a natural transition.

“All those extras in the street yelling and jeering at me when I was up on the building,” explained King. “It was just like being on the mound.”

King Kong is expected to gross King's 2005 salary of $1,850,000 in about 15 minutes, and promises to pave the way for future cross-media opportunities for other athletes.

In related news, the Cincinnati Reds' Adam Dunn has just signed a lucrative deal with Nintendo to re-release one of their most popular and recognizable titles. Donkey Kong: Get Dunn-ky is expected in stores for Christmas 2006.

CINCINNATI, OH -- Reds center fielder Ken Griffey, Jr. announced today that he will no longer wear number 30 for the Cincinnati Reds.

Instead, Griffey's 2006 jersey will bear the number three. Three is the number of children Griffey has, as well as the number all of his children wear on their own jerseys.

“My children are the most important thing in my life,” said Griffey. “I want to recognize them in any way that I can.”

Griffey had chosen the number 30 when he arrived in Cincinnati to honor his father, who had also worn that number with the Reds. “I had hoped to continue that tradition,” Griffey said. “I wanted to recognize three generations of Griffeys with one number. But Melissa says she's not up for 27 more.”

Teammate Adam Dunn was inspired by Griffey's gesture, and expressed an interest in also displaying his number of children on his chest.

“I guess I'd better get started,” said Dunn, eyeing his 44.