New York, NY -- Major League Baseball is taking flak for waiting until today to announce Terry Pendleton as the winner of the National League Most Valuable Player Award for 1991.

Some fans seem to think that the long-delayed announcement lacks relevance in the face of the football and young basketball seasons.

“Yeah, Terry Pendleton,” said Peter Griffin, a sports fan who heard the announcement on television at a local Hooters. “He plays for the Colts, right? That team is freakin' sweet.”

Some baseball fans, especially younger ones, complain that they've never heard of Terry Pendleton.

“I was 5 in 1991,” explained Turk Turkleton. “Unless you're going to tell me that Bullwinkle won, I'm not going to know who the heck you're talking about.”

By far, the most common complaint was the long time delay for the announcement.

“You expect me to remember what some guy did in 1991?” asked Dwight Shrut, a salesman. “I can barely remember what the 2005 MVPs did.”

CLEVELAND, OH -- Redheads are hot-tempered. Nerds wear glasses. Characterizing people by their looks is nothing new. But according to a study out of Case Western Reserve University, such characterizations reach beyond our intellectual understanding of events all the way down to our beliefs about good and evil.

The study asked 500 men to draw a picture of a good man and describe that man.

Certain characteristics were common to all of the drawings: curly, mussed blond hair, and a devil-may-care expression. Participants described the good man as strong, entitled, and forthright.

The study then asked the same 500 men to draw a picture of an evil man and describe him.

Common characteristics included dark hair and a goatee. Participants described the evil man as overbearing, indulged, and rude.

The second phase of the study divided the 500 men into two groups and read them the following scenario:

“Joe goes to a restaurant and orders a T-bone steak, well-done. When a sirloin steak, cooked medium-rare arrives at his table, Joe sends the steak back, asking for the order to be corrected.”

Group A was shown a picture of Joe that looked like the prototypical Good Man, while Group B was shown a picture that looked like the Evil Man. Both groups were asked their impressions on the story.

Group A, who had seen Good Joe, thought Joe had been badly mistreated and worried that he might suffer from indigestion or not want to return to the restaurant. Some thought the restaurant should give him gift certificates to tie him up as a long-term customer.

Group B, who had been shown Bad Joe, thought Joe shouldn't have complained about the mix-up but just eaten what he was given because he'd ordered a better meal than he deserved. Some blamed him for depriving someone else of the sirloin. Most hoped he would not return to the restaurant. One continually shouted, “Stop the bad man!”

“The implications are stunning,” said Dr. Frank O. Fill, head psychology researcher on the project. “We've always known that stereotypes are powerful, but to think that what you do doesn't matter at all because people will interpret your actions in a way that is consistent with their preconceived notions…” Dr. Fill trailed off.

“I'm just glad I'm not dark-haired,” said the strawberry blond Fill. “Now get out of my office. I have work to do.”

Dr. Fill plans more studies in the coming months, including determining the perception of short, round Puerto Rican men.

CINCINNATI, OH -- The Cincinnati Reds, who were already a generous bunch even before recent opportunities to contribute to flood relief and comfort a small child who lost his grandfather during a game, revealed today that they have been donating runs from selected games to charity all season long.

The announcement was supposed to wait until after the conclusion of the 2005 season, but word leaked yesterday when John Fay of the Cincinnati Enquirer let slip the fact that Felipe Lopez “delivered a two-run, RBI single in the seventh to tie it at 1-1” in his story Valentin Comes Up Large Once Again.

“People started asking questions,” explained Sean Casey, who masterminded the plan, “about how a two-run hit could tie the score at ones. So we decided to just go ahead and let the cat out of the bag.”

According to Casey's plan, the Reds have designated certain games where most or all of the runs would not be reflected in the team's score, but would instead be given to the residents of the St. Pia Zadora Golden Buckeye Retirement Community. The revelation of this program has explained several games this season where the number of Reds runs has seemed uncharacteristically low.

Lou S. Toole, director of the retirement community, reports that his guests have found the donations to be a relieving change of pace.

“These people, more than anyone I can imagine, really appreciate getting the runs,” said Toole.

Now that the Reds postseason hopes are officially gone, expect many more of the low-scoring affairs.

“It was hard to keep it inside for so long,” said Cincinnati slugger Adam Dunn of the secret charity program. “There was so much pressure. I just felt like I was going to burst. But it's been worth it to see the smiles on the faces of those retirees.”

CINCINNATI, OH -- For Aaron Holbert, who waited nine and a half years between his first and second major league appearances, almost every event is a major-league first. He recorded his first major-league hit on Friday. He recorded his first major-league start and RBI on Monday.

“Every time I turn around, people are talking about my first major-league something or other,” said Holbert. “This morning a reporter gave me the pencil he used to take notes in my first major-league interview, and this afternoon someone presented me with the plate that had held my first major-league turkey sandwich.”

Holbert doesn't want to know what will happen when people find out that he is developing his first major-league case of jock itch.

“It's getting to be a major-league pain in the ass,” said Holbert.

Griffey Could Become Baseball God
Ken Griffey Jr. has already been nominated for the Hank Aaron award, the Comeback Player of the Year Award, and talk has begun of Reds MVP. Add to his list of nominations the position of Baseball God.

“Everyone talks about the Baseball Gods,” said Griffey. “But I didn't realize that it was a real group.”

Griffey said the nomination, which appeared in a brilliant flash in his locker this afternoon, was a surprise, but teammates say it makes perfect sense.

“Really,” said Sean Casey. “A lot of what he's done this year as been nothing short of miraculous.”

As a Baseball God, Griffey would be responsible for knocking down anyone who got too cocky or self-important.

“Hey, Aurilia,” Griffey laughed. “Come over here a minute.”

Freel Celebrates Return
Ryan Freel celebrated his return from disabled list exile by playing a prank on the new guy today. Freel had nine and a half pizzas delivered to Holbert this afternoon, to represent the nine and a half years between his major league appearances.

When reminded that it was his first major-league prank, Holbert said, “Dammit!”

PITTSBURGH, PA -- Aaron Holbert, the 32-year old who took Ryan Freel's place on the Cincinnati roster last week when Freel went on the disabled list, got his first major league hit tonight at the Pirates' PNC Park.

The Reds were quick to retrieve the ball on Holbert's behalf. The bench wanted to make sure he had the souvenir, but they also apparently needed the ball to prove to Holbert that the hit had finally happened.

“At his age, sometimes he doesn't remember things,” explained Reds third-baseman Edwin Encarnación.

Holbert recently became the Reds' hottest human-interest feature when he was called up nine-and-a-half years after his only previous major league stint. Holbert has been the poster child for patience and perseverance and an inspiration for his teammates.

“Yeah, Pops is really an inspiration,” said right fielder Austin Kearns. “It just goes to show that if you wait around long enough, and play on bad enough minor league teams, someone's bound to feel sorry for you eventually.”

Another noteworthy hit in tonight's game came from Aaron Harang, who broke an 0-for-49 hit draught when he singled in Adam Dunn to score the first run of the game.

“So many people made this big deal about me not getting a hit,” said Harang. “But it's not like it took me 32 years or anything. Besides I'm a pitcher. It's not like I'm a pinch hitter going up there.”

Does a guy who doesn't get his first major league hit until he's 32 get a hard time from his teammates after the game?

“Of course not,” said center fielder Ken Griffey, Jr. as he walked past carrying a dozen eggs, a can of shaving cream, and a large wooden spoon. “We'll just say congratulations and politely ask him not to wait so long for the next one.”