CINCINNATI, OH -- Even at the tender age of 25, you would think that Albert Pujols would know that clinching the division means you can relax. Instead, Pujols has gotten progressively more tense since the Cardinals guaranteed themselves a postseason berth last week.

Pujols, an MVP hopeful and usually a solid producer, was held hitless in last night's game.

Reds first baseman Sean Casey is recovering from a concussion and so has had plenty of time to analyze his St. Louis counterpart's play. “I could see it in his games before, but his tension was painfully obvious last night,” said Casey. “La Russa would have seen it too, if he wasn't always wearing those stupid sunglasses.”

Casey, ever magnanimous, took it upon himself to try to help Pujols this afternoon, and while they were talking, Casey realized that Pujols didn't know the difference between the words “clinched” and “clenched.” Pujols was very tense -- literally.

“I told him that he didn't have to be such a tight-ass, and I think he's doing better now,” said Casey, “but he still runs a little funny.”

The Reds continue to make the Cardinals look like they didn't deserve to clinch anything tonight at 7:10 at Great American Ball Park.

ST. LOUIS, MO -- St. Louis Cardinals' shortstop David Eckstein cut the ribbon today on the public display case he built to house his awards.

“I just wanted to share the joy of my accomplishments with the community,” said Eckstein, whose display case is already well stocked.

“I got these last summer,” Eckstein explained, pointing to a row of little-league trophies. “I kept telling the coaches that I was too big for little league, but they just laughed.”

Lining the wall are several framed shirts sporting such phrases as “I'm a Good Sport!” and “#1 Grandkid” and a display case in the corner holds a selection of ribbons.

“This one says 'Participant'” said Eckstein, holding up one of the ribbons. “And I really was.”

Next month, Eckstein is hoping to bring home something that's really worthy of his display case.

“I'm going to win the big Halloween costume contest,” said Eckstein.

Chicago, IL -- The Chicago Cubs announced an endorcement deal with SC Johnson today to introduce a new club mascot, the Scrubby Bubble.

The Scrubby Bubble is a large soap bubble sporting a blue Cubs baseball cap. Scrubby will make several appearances at Wrigley Field periodically throughought the season to entertain fans and raise awareness about the importance of a clean bathroom.

Scrubby will have several catch phrases, such as:

• “Keep your bathroom sparkling as much as your playoff hopes!”
• “The scrubbing bubbles can clean away anything, even a curse!”

And, for the inevitable point in the season when all hope is gone:

• “You don't want to have germs in your bathroom when your team is in the toilet!”

Scrubby's first appearance is tentatively scheduled for October 4, but experts agree that no one's likely to be at Wrigley Field then.

After a start to the 2005 season marked by high expectations and disappointing returns, laughs were few and far between in the Cincinnati Reds blogosphere.

But on May 14, the timbre of one Reds blog changed when Reds and Blues published its first bit of fake news. The shift can be attributed to the courageous efforts of one man. Today we tell his story. This is Behind the Blog: Joel Luckhaupt.

Though he wasn't the first blogger writing fake news, thanks to his networking connections, Joel immediately enjoyed the highest-profile. His first foray into the arena, New Reds Products on May 14, was widely lauded. It was a triumph of great graphics and snide jabs. Joel was off to a prodigious start.

“Joel's post was hilarious,” said JD Arney of Red Reporter fame. “The Reds really should market those products.”

Soon though, as they often do, growing egos and flaring tempers began to get in the way of success. The first major conflict began over a nickname for a backup catcher.

“I was the first to call him the 'Love Machine,'” Joel said, “I made that name.”

The Red Hot Mama sees it differently. “He called him a rotund Puerto Rican love machine,” explained Mama. “That is so not the same thing. It has no rhythm, no melody, no alliteration. It took me changing it to 'Latin Love Machine' to make it great.”

As time went on, more problems began to crop up. The humor pieces began to grow out of control as the word count skyrocketed. The first few articles were between 500 and 600 words, but the most recent pieces have all been over 1000.

The exponential trend line projects that by the Reds' last game on October 2, Joel's humor articles will be 2500 words long, which will almost qualify him to write for Redleg Nation.

“Brevity is the essence of wit,” said Reds former pitching coach Don Gullet. “Joel has to keep his word count down. He has to learn to write to contact.”

But the words aren't the only problem. The graphics have been falling off as well, as this picture of Adam Dunn as the lead singer of Van Halen demonstrates. Notice how he looks more like The Greatest American Hero than a studly rock star, as was the intention.

Does this look like David Lee Roth to you, or more like…	A bumbling hero wannabe?

“PhotoShop crashed while I was working on it,” Joel said. “The first version looked much better.”

So what's next for the fading humor star that once shone so bright?

“I don't think I have anything to prove,” Joel said. “I've always had what it takes to be an everyday humorist. I'm thinking about going pro, and when I do I will crush and dominate my competition. As long as I don't have to hurt anyone's feelings while I'm doing it.”

His fans wonder whether it is too late for Joel to reclaim his former glory. But no one knows better than baseball fans that the season is long and that anything can happen.

“Certainly he provides a veteran presence among bloggers,” said Reds interim manager Jerry Narron, “His leadership is invaluable even if his stuff isn't what it once was.”

DETROIT, MI -- Players in the 2005 All-Star Game in Detroit were stunned to find that President Bush had bombed Canada as a result of the Home Run Derby.

The Bush administration, fed up with Major League Baseball after months spent on steroids scandals and irritated about the format change of the Home Run Derby to include representatives from different countries, announced today that the All-Star Game tagline was “the last straw in a long list of baseball's lies.”

“We were tired of hearing how 'this one counts' when it doesn't count for anything,” said White House press secretary Scott McClellan, “So we decided to make it count for something and bombed the last place country.”

The last place country was Canada, whose representative Jason Bay failed to hit a single home run before earning 10 outs. Bay's performance came right after Bobby Abreu hit 24 long bombs in the first round, so 24 bombs were dropped in sparsley populated areas.

“We didn't want to hurt anyone,” said McClellan, “We just wanted to make a point.”

“We are a nation at war, and the men in our military know what things matter. Now Major League Baseball understands when something really counts,” said President Bush. “Canada has something to think about, too.”

Bush wouldn't discuss what his administration has planned for the losers of the All-Star Game tonight, but he warned the players to be on their toes.

“And don't mess with Teixeira,” Bush added as he left the podium.