ST LOUIS, MO -- After pushing down and sitting on Cardinals' reliever Ray King today, Adam Dunn called King “comfy” and had him sent to Cincinnati to replace his old massage chair.

Dunn originally intended to sit on King as an act of retribution for King's collision with Austin Kearns in May of 2003. The collision at home plate caused Kearns a torn labrum and rotator cuff, injuries that started a long series of health problems that have shelved the highly anticipated outfielder for the better part of two years.

However, the sitting upon turned from vengeful to cozy when Dunn realized how similar to an overstuffed armchair King actually is.

“He's soft and kind of bouncy,” explained Dunn. “And if you get him laughing, it's sort of like the vibrating chair was.”

But what of the long awaited retribution for injuring Kearns?

“We'll just have to destroy the Cards tonight for that,” said Dunn.

ST. LOUIS, MO -- Minor panic erupted in the Cardinals' clubhouse this afternoon when first baseman Albert Pujols ran into the room hysterically screaming that the sky was falling.

Little Albie, as he's popularly called, told his teammates that he'd heard the sound of something shattering and had felt things falling on his head. Ol' Bert, the facilities manager, was called to inspect the overhead lights, but the lights were in working order. He then checked the windows, but found them intact. He even checked the television, but there was no evidence of anything having broken. That's when Ol' Bert remembered the high post-season hopes.

“I checked 'em out, and sure 'nuff, they were caving in faster'n you can say 'early-season aberration',” said Ol' Bert.

With the mystery solved, calm returned to the clubhouse and the Cardinals went back to preparing to get trounced by the Reds.

CINCINNATI, OH -- After a blow-out at the hands of the division's last-place Reds, several Cardinals tried to show their solidarity with a gesture that turned out to be as embarassing as the loss.

Larry Walker, Abraham Nuñez, Mark Grudzielanek, Einar Diaz, Albert Pujols, Scott Rolen, and Scott Seabol all visited a local barber shop to get matching haircuts. Each player had his hair cut close, with the first letter of his first name shaved into the back. However, when the players arrived at the ballpark this morning to show off their new do's, the media was quick to point out that the letters spelled out “LAME ASS.”

“That describes their game pretty well,” said Reds catcher Javier Valentín.

CINCINNATI, OH -- Three St. Louis ball players were spotted in a local department store this afternoon purchasing pencils, paper, and other supplies after hearing that they were going to be “taken to school” this evening.

Reggie Sanders showed off the label maker he'd gotten to identify all of his things. “I can make stickers with my name,” said the Card's left-fielder. “See? 'Reginald Laverne Sanders.' Isn't that cool?”

“I'm going to use it to count all my All-Star votes,” said first-baseman Albert Pujols of the calculator he'd bought. “Let's see, I voted for me once, so I push the 1. And you probably voted for me, so I'll push it again. That's 11 votes!”

Second baseman Mark Grudzielanek proudly sported the new Blue's Clues backpack that he picked out himself. “It's blue, just like my eyes,” he told reporters outside the store.

After the shopping expedition, the trio returned to their hotel. There, Tony La Russa explained that “taken to school” is just a figure to speech that described how bad the Reds were going to beat them after the major organizational shake-up that afternoon. The players were disappointed.

“I was all the way up to 111 votes!” said Pujols.

CINCINNATI, OH -- The St. Louis Cardinals forfeited tonight's contest just hours before game time when a bizarre series of events left their line-up in tatters.

The first of the unusual occurrences happened late this morning when Cardinals' shortstop David Eckstein was abducted by an unidentified elderly woman while he was jogging. Witnesses report that the woman put the diminutive infielder in her purse and wandered off, mumbling about her collection of Hummel miniature figurines. Eckstein is presumed to be in no immediate danger unleess he draws the attention of the old lady's cats.

The rest of the visiting Cardinals fanned out throughout the city in search of their teammate. That's when an atypically large yellow canary flew overhead, catching the attention of Cardinals' young catcher, Yadier Molina. Molina mistook the canary for his favorite television character, Big Bird, and took after the canary in pursuit of an autograph. Molina was last seen sprinting down Mehring Way singing “Come and play, everything's A-OK!” at the top of his lungs.

“That's a risk you run with such young players,” explained Cardinals' manager, Tony La Russa. “You'd never see that happen with our outfielders.”

However, something did happen with an outfielder, unfortunately for the Cardinals. While running to stop Molina, center-fielder Jim Edmonds was the victim of a well-placed load dropped by the canary. Edmonds then hurried back to his hotel room and has refused to emerge ever since, except to demand a box of Just for Men to cover up the mess.

The forfeit brings the Reds' winning streak to two and is certain to compound the team's momentum.

“Looks like we finally got a break,” said Reds' second-baseman Ryan Freel. “Of course, we were going to beat them anyway. This is just better because now I don't have to risk my sore toe tonight while we were kicking their butts.”