I was out drinking with co-workers, and left as early as I possibly safely could.

Let's respect Aurilia's DL report and move our smack talk to here. I see that my boys have already started kicking some gravel ass.

DENVER, CO -- The Colorado Rockies will forfeit tonight's contest against the Cincinnati Reds after a humidor break-down decimated their supply of baseballs.

The Rockies' Senior Director of Engineering and Facilities, James Wiener, noticed the break-down that ruined the baseballs late this afternoon.

“[Rockies' reliever Ray] King asked me for some of his balls to play with,” said Wiener. “He'll only play with his own balls. We keep them in a sack up against the wall in the humidor.”

“I noticed right away that something wasn't right because his balls were blue,” explained Wiener. The bluish tint seems to have appeared when, after splitting or winning all their series, the Rockies failed to seal the deal with the Braves.

Wiener's fears were confirmed he he touched King's balls. “They were all way too small. Even the sack was dry and shriveled up.” He soon discovered that all of the teams' baseballs were destroyed.

“You should have seen the guys' faces when I told them they didn't have any balls,” said Wiener, shaking his head.

FedEx will deliver a new supply of balls in the morning.

“That's great,” said Reds' reliever, Kent Mercker, “But who's going to deliver them some testicles?”

CINCINNATI, OH -- After years of dominating the National League Central, the St. Louis Cardinals find that they're relieved to be looking up to someone else for a change.

The Cincinnati Reds and St. Louis Cardinals entered yesterday's game tied for first place in the division, but after a 1-6 victory, the Reds found themselves in sole possession of the number one spot. Much to their surprise, the Cardinals were happy for them.

“It was nice to be shut down at the plate,” explained Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols. “There's so much pressure to hit a home run. Being totally dominated is a nice change of pace.”

“When you're sharing the field with [Ryan] Freel, you're simply not going to be the best short, scrappy white guy in the game,” said Cardinals short stop David Eckstein. “It makes it so you're not always on the spot.”

Even Manager Tony LaRussa was happy to get out of the spotlight.

“I even got to take off these stupid sunglasses for a minute,” said LaRussa. “I might like to leave them off all season.”

ST. LOUIS, MO -- St. Louis Cardinals' ownership took their marketing up a notch today when they began disassembling the seats in the new Busch Stadium to sell on eBay.

The Cardinals sold all manner of items from the previous Busch Stadium to memento-hungry collectors. Everything from dugout benches to clubhouse urinals fetched top dollar. But that sale occurred just prior to the stadium's demolition; this sale is taking place when the seats are less than a month old.

“It just goes to show that we can get our fans to buy anything,” said Cardinals Senior Vice President of Business Development Bill DeWitt with a chuckle. “They even buy that this group of has-beens can contend in the long run.”

The seats are being disassembled during the Cardinals' road trip to Cincinnati, but they aren't likely to be missed even when the team returns home.

“When this team starts tanking, demand is sure to go down,” said DeWitt. “And I figure that's going to start tonight.”

10. We got all of our crappy relievers out of the way yesterday.

9. All these damn day games are an affront to mother nature, and she ain't happy about it.

8. There's no better way to follow up a sweep of the team who gives you an inferiority complex than with a sweep by the team you like to pretend you're too awesome to concern yourself with.

7. One Derrek Lee and one Aramis Ramirez do not an offense make.

6. Brandon Claussen wants in on some of that sweet home run action.

5. Deep down, they want to lose. One year of winning is quickly forgotten, but a century of losing is immortal.

4. Javy Valentín owns Greg Maddux. I may have jumped the gun a little using this one before.

3. Two words: Adam Dunn

2. Sooner or later, Ryan Dempster is going to enter the game.

1. They don't want to set themselves up to choke later in the season.